Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
