haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
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yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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