i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
