Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
