I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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