I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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