You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
