1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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