she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
