We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
