I'm gonna have a badass scar
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
