after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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