Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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