i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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