I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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