Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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