so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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