i think my mom watched the whole time
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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