The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
