Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
