great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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