i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
