I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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