I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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