So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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