Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
