All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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