Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
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I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
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I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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