You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
