Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
