I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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