forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
