I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
