she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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