Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
