What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I can't put those talents on a resume
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
