The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
