Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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