he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
