apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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