Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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