Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
