I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
