i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
