I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
