my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
