Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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