If that was your dad, he is hot
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
