no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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