You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
