I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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