I need to stop coming to work sober
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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