I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize