I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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