How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
