I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
the liver wants what the liver wants
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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