She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
