I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
