That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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