So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club đ
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled âfive times and I still havenât gotten offâ when he was still inside me ..
Said âdonât worry Iâll get myself off tomorrowâ to top it all off
Randomize
