im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
