My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
operation harelip BJ is a go
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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