Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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