i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
