I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
